I turned 50 on the last day of last year, and as always with my decades, it was something of a watershed. More radical than most – here in June I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a close brush with burn-out, like a butterfly emerging free from a constricting cocoon of outgrown conditioning.
Looking back at the beginning of the year – I was off work from mid-December until the beginning of March – from a safe distance, it’s time to share some of my musings and my experience. Here follow some extracts from my journal, interspersed with atmospheric pictures from my camera taken during that period.
Soul journey (14 December)
“The soul is something I know so little about – my own soul, even less! But I’m feeling its stirrings in me, pulling me off the path I have traveled for so many years, towards a more vibrant and unknown future that will bring me into an ever more direct and living connection with the unfolding of the kosmos. As I write, I get the image of the shockwave that precedes a comet as it travels through space – that interface between ‘something’ and its ground as it travels along its trajectory. What is it that creates that momentum? Can we, conscious beings – or at least, partially conscious and groping towards ever-expanding fields of consciousness – influence, steer or co-determine that momentum or that trajectory? Or can we ‘just’ participate in it? And why do I qualify the word ‘participate’ with ‘just’?
I think, though, that my soul is pulling me to participate in this unfolding, as it happens, fractally in this small corner of planet earth, at this opportunity-rich and perilously unstable time in the history of humanity, which also seems to coincide with a key moment in the evolution of our solar system – as planet earth teeters on the edge of awakening to a global consciousness that could bring Gaia awake in a way that can impact the further unfolding of life in this sector of the galaxy (an unfashionable quarter in the western spiral arm, to quote Douglas Adams). Or it could just implode, like a narrowly missed orgasm.
And so what I am called to investigate, during these days of retreat which are hopefully to come, is what it is that holds me back from the soul’s radical freedom to dedicate itself to this full participation. And why I feel I cannot do this in my current situation.
Lying down next to Anna (my daughter) on the sofa, explaining to her what I am trying to do, I found myself saying that the purpose of this retreat is to bring my soul more fully into the centre of my life. And I got this image of my soul as a tin can tied onto the back bumper of a wedding car, careening down the road of our break-neck, workaholic society.
It’s true that I’ve been catching glimpses, when I care to – take the time to – look, of the ghostly scaffolding of the edifice that keeps me fixed inside the current version of humanity’s operating system – at least that segment of it that I physically inhabit: the elite of Western Europe. That is what I need to unravel in the coming days – at least enough to feel I have some choice in what I’m doing. That, in the service of my health, wellbeing and freedom to manoeuvre in the coming transition.”
Acceptance (15 December)
“Already my heart is beating slower. It is so cold outside – and the sun is shining, and the sky is blue. I was outside in the garden with my camera this morning.
I can’t get over the inner quiet after the turbulence of recent days. My inquiry now is “what will help me to live present, open and slow, in the system until it is truly time for me to leave?”
One piece has to do with acceptance. Whatever I think about the system and my presence in it, it is important to accept – not that all’s right with the world – simply that things are as they are.
There is also something about the story I tell myself about what I’m doing. At the moment, I’m biding my time and selling my soul for the sake of the children. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself recently.
I’ve just been watching the video highlights of an inner climate workshop on yourclimate.tv – with Lisette, Lisa, Mary-Alice, Ammaji, Toke and Ulrik. Lisette spoke about how we are pioneering the new economy. That has juice for me. It’s moving me into the future, and out of the system. And always, into connection and co-creation.
A question I can bring back with me into the Commission when I return:
What can be created here? In this context, what is it that we can create together that we will be proud of and that can contribute to a future that inspires and nourishes us all?“