Grieving for lost love, naked (11 January 2010)
Restless tonight. I can’t sleep. Having odd, disjointed dreams. I fell asleep with visions of bloody animal carcases, then of disfigured faces – then woke up with dreams of scenes of dead people and other people’s grief. The wailing of a woman recognising the death of a loved one.
Now my eyes feel like it’s the middle of the night, but I’m not ready to go back to sleep. I’ve cried a bit, not quite sure why. For lost love, I think. I’ve been reminiscing over past episodes of my life more than usual. Grieving for the loss of my husband, now that I have finally removed my wedding ring.
Now I am truly naked – no longer wearing any symbolic jewelry – no more ring, no object hanging around my neck.
I have been telling Ria more about myself today. About how creative I was as a child. And about some of what happened to crush that creativity and channel it away from its spontaneous expression. Tonight as I write, some of my good friends are gathered together, sleeping their first night at the ALIA Europe training. It seems amazing to me that I can have decided at the last minute not to go. I just couldn’t handle the idea of all that external stimulation, all the talk of work in the world, when my work now is to turn inward, to the work of the soul.
In the past, I have worked so hard to belong in those circles. To give something of value so that I might be accepted, welcomed in to the warmth. Now I am beginning to see just how hard I worked. It came to me the other day that I haven’t had a real rest since before the children were born. When I was pregnant, particularly during the later stages, was the last time I gave myself permission to really rest.
And now that I know that I do belong in those circles, it is time to turn away and turn inward. To refind myself and coax my soul out into the open. There is so much more of me than the inhibited, self-censored crumbs that I have allowed the world to see thus far. I barely even know it myself – it’s all been buried for so long.
I find myself yearning to bring forth beauty. Longing to paint and draw, but being utterly unable to imagine how to do that – because what I want to depict is light. It’s what fascinates me into wanting to take photographs of people and nature. And I absolutely don’t know how to create those effects on a blank sheet of paper. But my god, if I could…